


You've seen me lose control

by Reidbesus



Series: Control [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Broken, Broken Families, Caring Spencer Reid, Cute, Cute Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Haley never dies, Hotch is in love, Hotch showing emotions, Loss of Control, M/M, So is spencer, Spencer cares a lot, The BAu - Freeform, broken Aaron Hotchner, loving, mentions of cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:52:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27298177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reidbesus/pseuds/Reidbesus
Summary: Hotch looked up at him. “I’m breaking Spencer. I’m losing control...I’ve lost all my faith and trust… You’ve seen me lose control, Spencer. I don’t know how much more I can take.”ORHotch is losing control and Spencer is there to give it back to him
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Series: Control [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1993129
Kudos: 58





	You've seen me lose control

Reid stood in the doorway of Hotch’s office trying to come up with words to say.  He was a genius he knew a lot of things but approaching the man he was in love with about what was going on with him was not one of them.   
  
He took a deep breath suppressing any and every nerve he had before knocking on the already open hardwood door.   
  
“Hotch, sir may I speak with you?” The male asked as he looked at the older who had been heavily focusing on the paperwork on his desk for the past five hours without a single break.  
  
Reid was worried about him.  The whole team was actually.  Hotch had been acting differently lately.  He was unraveling almost like he was losing control.  He showed up to work later than normal, became distant, he worked until he was kicked out of the building by janitorial staff.  He was restless, snapping at everyone and everything but he was endlessly apologizing.  
  
Without looking up from the papers he was currently working on, Hotch gave an almost immediate answer.  “Come in.  Shut the door behind you.” He mumbled just loud enough for Spencer to hear.  
  
Spencer didn’t waste any time.  He shuffled into the office shutting the door behind him before sitting on the cushioned chair located at the other side of Hotch’s desk.   
  
Reid observed the dark-haired male for about a minute before speaking up.  “Hotch I’m worried about you.  We’re all worried about you.” He said softly, continuing to study the male.  He was looking for any type of emotion even if it was just for a second.   
  
Hotch stopped writing and sat his pen down on the paper before looking up at the young doctor who was sitting across from him.  His face was filled with worry and Hotch knew it was genuine.  Hotch scanned the younger’s face with no emotions shown on his own.   
  
He looked everywhere but Spencer’s eyes.  He had a soft spot for the genius and one look in his eyes would have him crumbling.  Losing even more control than he already was. He looked at the male’s gorgeous dark brown curls that were covering a small section of his face before letting his eyes fall to those beautiful pink-   
  
_-Snap out of it Aaron he is your subordinate.-_ Hotch thought.  
  
“Reid I can assure you I’m fine. Thank you for worrying but I really must get back to my work.” He told him  
  
“You’re lying. Don’t lie to me Hotch.”  
  
“Excuse me?” Hotch asked amused as he raised a brow at Spencer’s tone.  It was quite hot but it wasn’t time for that.  
Reid looked at him with an obvious look of annoyance on his face.  He stood up and leaned over Hotch’s desk, placing his hands just centimeters away from the other’s.  
  
“Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re fine.  Look me in the eyes and tell me that there’s nothing going on with you.” Spencer said his voice cracking midway through the sentence as he became emotional.  
  
Hotch looked up at the young male and his heart shattered.  The male had tears sliding down his face.  Hotch sighed as he finally gave in as he finally lost all control of himself... to his emotions and Spencer was seeing it all.  So he let all of his guards drop as he ran his hand through his hair.  “I can’t do that Spencer.” He said softly.   
  
Spencer sat in the chair as he watched Hotch through blurry eyes.  He saw a change in body language.  His face was no longer cold and emotionless.  Spencer watched through his blurry eyes as Hotch lost all control of his emotions as they flooded in like water through a broken dam.   
  
“Talk to me Hotch.  It hurts me to see you like this.” He said as he wiped away the tears that managed to escape and slide down his cheeks.   
  
Hotch looked up at him.  “I’m breaking Spencer.  I’m losing control...I’ve lost all my faith and trust… You’ve seen me lose control, Spencer.  I don’t know how much more I can take.” Hotch spilled.   
  
The words just flowed out of his mouth.  He didn’t know how to stop them.  He didn’t want to.  He felt a heavyweight lift off his shoulders as he opened up to Spencer about the heavy burdens he was carrying.   
  
Spencer just listened.  He listened to every single word that came out of his Boss’ mouth.  He was grateful that Hotch trusted him enough to tell him what was bothering him.  
  
“My marriage was over way before Haley moved out, I couldn't put my finger on what drove us apart.  It wasn’t my job that was just a blame Haley played.  She has been cheating on me for years.  I had fallen in love with someone else but I had never once acted on my urges but she did.  Several times with several different men.  She told me that there’s a chance Jack isn’t mine.  Even if he isn’t mine I still love Jack like he’s my own and I will always be there for him and take care of him no doubt about that but... Last week I got a call from Jack’s school.  They wrote a paper about their families and Jack was about his mom and all the different men going in and out of their house.  She made me seem like the bad guy.  She told him it was my fault the marriage ended.  Of course, he didn’t believe that but happens if one day he does.  What happens if one day I lose him. I can’t lose him-”   
  
“Hotch stop don’t think like that.  I’ve seen first hand how much Jack loves you.  How much he favors you over her.  He knows how much you love him.  You are his dad.  No one else.  He knows that I know that, and you know that.” Spencer interrupted him.   
  
As far as Haley goes Spencer had never liked her but she did give Hotch the one person he loved the most which made him happy so he was forever grateful for that.  Both Hotch and Jack deserved better than her in Spencer’s eyes.  Too bad he couldn’t give it to them.  
  
Hotch looked up at the long-haired male.  “Thank you so much, Spencer.  For listening to what I had to say.” He told the younger male as a small smile appeared on his face making his dimples show.  
  
Seeing the older male smile for the first time made Spencer’s heart flutter.  “You’re smiling,” Reid said softly as a smile appeared on his face as well.  “I’ve never seen you smile before so I take that as a hint of you feeling remotely better?” Spencer questioned as he tucked his hair behind his ear.  
  
Aaron looked at him, the smile still present on his face.  “So are you, but yeah I'm feeling better.  It’s definitely going to take me a while to move on from this completely.” Hotch said as he looked down at his desk.  A wave of sadness washing over him.  
  
Spencer hesitantly reached across the desk and took one of Hotch’s hands in his.  Reid watched as the male tensed up then almost immediately untensed.  “And you’ll have me to help the whole time.  The team as well.  We are all here for you Hotch, but what you told me today... this can stay between us.” He spoke quietly as he let go of his boss’s hand.   
  
Hotch looked at Spencer.  He looked him right in those beautiful hazel eyes of his.  He stood up and walked around to the other side of his desk Spencer following with his eyes not daring to stand up.  Once he got to the other side of the desk he sat on the corner and looked down at the young brunette.  
  
“Hotch...”  
  
“Aaron.” He corrected.  
  
Spencer looked up at him, his eyes going wide.  Hotch was allowing Spencer to call him Aaron and no one on the team dared to do that besides Rossi and Garcia (on some occasions) Spencer tried not to let his nerves show.  He was running all possible conclusions as to why Hotch was letting him call him Aaron and based on the look in the other man’s eyes he was definitely about to do something.  Spencer just couldn’t figure out what so he did what he normally did and retreated inside his mind to try to figure it out.  The male was too busy trying to figure out what his boss was planning.  He hadn't noticed that Hotch had placed a hand on the back of his head and began to lean close to him.  
  
Hotch leaned in slowly before placing a soft kiss on the younger male’s lips.  His stomach was turning.  He feared the worst but he couldn’t help but kiss the other.  He just hoped that the doctor wouldn’t freak out.  
  
Spencer was pulled from his thoughts when a pair of soft lips pressed against his.  He was surprised but excited as well.  He had been crushing on Hotch for years.  It was nice to know the other felt the same way.   
  
Aaron deepened the kiss as it filled with passion and love.  It wasn’t rough, it was gentle.  It was perfect.  Just like he had imagined.  Actually, it was even better.  
  
When the kiss was deepened Spencer replayed the other male’s words in his head.   
  
_ “I had fallen in love with someone else.”  _  
  
Spencer widened his eyes as he broke the kiss.  “It was me.  You fell in love with me.” He said as the realization dawned on him.  
  
Aaron raised a brow before chuckling softly.  “Yeah.  It was you, Spencer.  I fell in love with you.” He said softly.   
  
Spencer’s heart fluttered and a smile appeared on his face.  “I fell in love with you too.  I’ve been in love with you for five years seven hours 57 minutes and 29 seconds.” He told the male watching for a reaction to his last statement.  
  
Aaron just chuckled.  Leave it up to Spencer to know down to the second of when he had fallen in love with him.  Aaron checked his watch before looking back up at the doctor.  “It’s late.  Everyone has gone home.  I know you haven’t eaten so how about... we go back to mine grab some pizza on the way and talk.” He suggested.  
  
Spencer checked his watch as well indeed it was late.  It was nearing midnight and it was so quiet outside in the bullpen you could hear a pin drop.  “Alright.  I’m in favor of that as long as we stop by my place in the morning.” He said with a small smile.  
  
Aaron nodded before standing up and packing away a few of his things in his bag.  Spencer stood up as well holding on to the leather strap of his satchel.   
  
“I know what it’s like, Hotch.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I know what it’s like to lose control, be afraid.”  
  
“Oh…”  
  
“You’ve seen me lose control too Hotch.”   
  
Hotch was losing control and Spencer was going to give it back to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by the song "Towards the Sun" from the movie Home. Specifically this verse 
> 
> "Lost my faith and trust  
> You and I know gold don't turn to rust  
> I still swear that we can reign  
> Like the kings and queens of better yesterdays  
> Don't you know I've been burned  
> I've been burned I've been burned  
> You've seen me lose control  
> It's not worth it's not worth it's not worth  
> My soul." 
> 
> please leave comments and feed back.


End file.
